Elul: A Time for Introspection

Elul is the 12^th month on the Jewish calendar and a time of repentance and introspection as Jews worldwide prepare for the High Holy Days of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. It was this time of year, 28 years ago, when my life radically changed. On August 15, 1993, I awoke to a very different world—a profound, confusing silence—I could no longer hear.

With the High Holidays merely a month away I wondered what I had done to deserve this cruel punishment. I saw myself as a kind and decent person; I was a good teacher, but now I could not communicate with my students. I was a father of two precious daughters and I could no longer delight in their sweet little voices. After their mother and I had divorced, even though the girls lived with me five days out of seven, I paid child support so that she could pursue her goals. I was good to my mother and called her weekly…So, what did I do to deserve this tragedy? 

It took me years to realize that it wasn’t a punishment after all, but a gift. Six years later, after a second viral attack on my hearing, I sadly took disability, left my teaching job and focused on learning how to write. A whole new world opened up for me and I guess I did pretty well because in the last twenty years I have composed six novels, and many articles and blog posts. My youngest daughter and I learned sign language together cementing our bond and she is teaching her son, Ezra, to sign, including him more thoroughly into my life. Even though I am a writer, I can’t begin to describe how cute he is when he signs, “I love you.” 

As my hearing continued to deteriorate, the most fortuitous event of my life happened—I met Jila. She was deaf and had immigrated to the U.S. from Iran. We met at a SHHH (Self Help for the Hard of Hearing) meeting–a person I would never have met if I could hear. I quickly realized that she and I were meant for each other; I had found my beshert, my soulmate. A relative once said to Jila, “I am so sorry Michael lost his hearing”, to which Jila replied, “I am not. If Michael could hear, we never would have met.” 

Jila was a precious gift, and then G-d called her back, six years ago, and I was completely devastated. What did I do to deserve this? How could G-d lead us to each other and then just take her like that? It was like giving joy with one hand and then snatching it away with the other. After the worst of my grieving subsided and the darkness began to lift, the reward appeared: Jila had told me horror stories, (and many inspirational ones, too) about growing up Jewish and deaf in Iran. I gathered her stories, fleshed them out, adapted them into a novel and after four years of writing (which also immensely helped me mourn her death), the story of Jila’s life, The Lip Reader was complete. 

The Lip Reader, will be released later this year in the fall, and is yet another result of G-d’s gifts. You may not be familiar with the publishing world, but it is a difficult process to convince a publisher to even look at your work; it must be polished and perfect. My deafness permitted me to meet the right people, like Jan Seeley, the director at my Deaf synagogue who has experience as an editor. She gave the book the polish it needed, allowing me to send out summary samples to several companies. Paper Angel Press sent me a very inspirational letter and offered me a contract. 

Life is very challenging, filled with tests and trials thrust upon us when we least expect it. We can complain and rage at G-d for treating us poorly, or we can search deeper for understanding. How could we understand happiness without also knowing unhappiness? 

During this month of Elul take some personal time to think about your past year. Did your tragedies eventually result in any goodness? If not and you are still waiting for your misfortune to calm, take a moment to see if maybe your pain has shielded a blessing. If so, have a conversation with G-d and appreciate the beneficence he gives to help us improve our conditions and thus our lives. 

 I will admit, I am still a little sad and still a little bit mad at G-d for taking Jila from me, although I understand that she is no longer suffering with pain. I must honor her gain over my loss, knowing she is at peace. I have transformed my pain to help others, as she did, and my hope is that her story will give others the strength and grace to negotiate through hard times. That was G-d’s plan for me: Describe a life, as is inscribed in the Book of Life, for all to mirror. 

Michael Thal is the author of the Koolura Series. You can learn more about him on his website at http://www.michaelthal.com.