When Nana Dies

 

Dear Pop,

My mother is very sick and will soon pass. What do I tell my children about death and dying?

Sad Mom

Dear Sad Mom,

Grandparents are an important part of your children’s lives because Nana and Papa link them to our past as well as provide them comfort, love, and understanding.

Since young children are very impressionable, it is important that parents handle a grandparent’s illness and death with care. The way a mom or dad deals with this important life issue will be remembered when your children become parents. Also, when other loved ones leave their lives, children will model their grief based on the moments they first experienced the death of a grandparent.

Here are a few suggestions on helping children cope with the loss of Nana:

The Sickness

First, describe what’s happening. When Nana comes for a visit and needs to use a walker, explain that the device keeps her from falling. If Papa sleeps a lot, explain that the medicine he takes stops the pain, but makes him drowsy. 

The Hospital

If Nana is in the hospital, take the children for a visit. Make sure you prepare the child first. Explain there will be an IV needle in her arm or perhaps a breathing tube in her nose. Also explain to your child how she should act during the visit.

For example, you can say, “Nana will be very tired, so she won’t be able to play with you.” When you arrive home, talk about the experience focusing in on the sights, sounds, and smells the child experienced at the hospital. Finally, encourage your child to draw a picture of Nana or make a video about the wonderful stories and songs Nana shared.

Death

It’s important to prepare a child for the approaching death of a grandparent. If a child asks, “Will Nana die?” it’s important to answer truthfully. Make sure you let the child know that you will all go through it together as a family.

After Nana passes, don’t hide your grief from your children. It’s important for kids to see that it’s okay to cry when a loved one dies.

Make sure the children participate in the memorial service and funeral as well as the death ritual of a wake or shivah. Explain everything in an age appropriate manner.

The death of a grandparent will become a memorable event in your child’s life. Use the experience as a teachable moment so that later in your child’s life he or she will be able to cope with the stresses of losing a loved one.

With deepest sympathy,

Pop

Have a question for Pop? Email him at [email protected].