Parenting the college freshman is like being a coach

It’s that time of year again when parents of students heading to their freshman year are packing trunks and getting ready to face their first year of college.

I escorted both my daughters to their chosen schools. One went to the University of California at Riverside, and five years later the younger one attended the University of California, Santa Barbara. First, I felt exhilaration because I did an excellent job raising my daughters. Then sadness took over as if I were experiencing a great loss. I didn’t let those emotions cloud my judgment, realizing my job wasn’t done. Instead of playing on the field with my girls, I was now coaching from the sidelines. And as a good coach, I would provide experience and expertise with a gentle hand.

College students have to adjust to their new lives. Many become lonely or depressed. Some develop eating disorders, addiction to drugs or alcohol, or party too much. Your kid still needs you. The question is how much should you get involved?

Growing up and developing healthy independence means making mistakes. A college campus is a safe place for these mistakes to take happen. However, your son or daughter knows they can come to you at any time for advice or just have someone listen to their troubles. When my girls were in college I called once a week. I’d listen to their problems and only offer suggestions if asked. It is not your role to take on your child’s difficulties. Just make yourself available to talk about issues they are concerned about. Never tell them what to do.

Make a point of visiting their campuses once a semester. My daughters had fun introducing me to their friends and showing me around campus. I would stock their refrigerator, take them out to dinner, and sit around and chat. If my daughter asked me, “What do you think about so and so,” I’d provide a thoughtful response. When a problem arose in my life, I’d sometimes ask for their advice.

There will come a time when the school administration or professor has treated your child unfairly. This is not high school. Stay away and let your child negotiate the issue. Do not run interference! All you can do, if asked, is provide an example from your life regarding how you handled a similar situation.

Adult children need medical attention. That is why every college campus has health care facilities. Make sure your child is covered by a campus medical insurance plan. Prior to your children coming home for vacation you can ask them if they need to see the dentist or other healthcare professional. If so, give them the phone number and let them make the appointment for themselves. They are adults, you know.

When you make those weekly phone calls or biyearly visits ask about classes, friends, professors, and activities. Discuss what your children are eating and how much they are sleeping. It is your job to notice red flags and make suggestions to avoid problems you see coming down the road. And like a coach, you are providing the support your child needs to achieve personal and professional goals.

Please visit Pop at his website at http://www.michaelthal.com.