How to Manage Sibling Squabbles and Discipline During the Quarantine

Siblings will argue and fight, but now, during the lockdown, parents are witnessing more sibling meltdowns. What can moms and dads do?

First, make sure you and your significant other aren’t squabbling. Remember, you set the example. Children watch how their parents settle disagreements and frequently follow the model they see at home. 

However, disputes among siblings are bound to surface during the quarantine and your job is not to play referee, nor demand an instant cease fire. (This may work for the short-term, but won’t get at the root of the problem.)

Sit down in a quiet section of your home with your kids and ask the child with the least amount of patience to tell her story. If the other child buts in, stop the dialogue and say, “You’ll have your turn as soon as your sister finishes her story.”

When the first child is finished, have the second child summarize what the first said. If that child isn’t old enough to verbalize it, you do it for him. When the summary is complete, check to make sure with the first child that it is correct. Now, it’s time for the second sibling to tell his story. Then have the first child summarize what her brother said. 

Now it’s time for the big question. “What can we do to resolve this problem?”

Wait for a response. If someone has an idea, ask the other child if he or she agrees. If not, ask, “What suggestion do you have to offer?” If neither child can agree, make a suggestion and see if both children will buy into that idea. Only if they both agree will the suggestion succeed. Remember, this is a process and takes time. 

If you witness a physical fight, you must step in immediately. Break up the fight and separate the youngsters until they’ve calmed down. Then return to the suggestions outlined above. No matter what you do, NEVER take sides, and keep a neutral tone, which in itself could defuse the situation. 

Sandee LaMotte, a CNN writer and medical producer, offers a wonderful suggestion. “Have your kids feel like a team. Pair them off to play a game against the parents. You can do this with board games, card games, or any outdoor sport. Your children will love this and will work together instead of fighting.” 

If one of your children continues behaving poorly, it’s time to serve the sandwich of love. 

Let’s say your child is over demanding or has a temper tantrum. In that neutral tone we discussed earlier, ask her to stop. If she doesn’t, say, “That’s ONE.” Hold up your index finger. If the tantrum or behavior continues, say, “That’s TWO.” Hold up two fingers. When you get to THREE, take your child by the hand and deposit her in a quiet corner of the house. If the child is four years old, she will have to stand and face the corner for four minutes. (Remember, one minute per year of the child’s life.) Tell her, “I want you to think about why you ended up in the corner. You have four minutes.”

This next step is important. You stand there, too. If the child turns to look at you, stop the clock and say, “You have three more minutes. Please turn around.” You can read a magazine, but make sure the child is facing the wall. 

When the time is up, begin feeding your child the “sandwich of love.” The bottom piece of the sandwich is a compliment. “I admired how hard you worked helping plant the tomatoes earlier.” Pay her a genuine compliment regarding something she did successfully earlier that day. 

The middle of the sandwich is a question. “Why did I have to put you in the corner?” The meat is hers, and wait for an answer. If none is in the offering, ask, “Were you behaving like a big girl in the kitchen?” 

Once you are satisfied with your child’s response, add the top slice of the sandwich—a loving hug. Say, “I love you very much.” And give your child a hug and kiss. 

Now say, “We’ll go back to the kitchen and you’ll show me how well you can behave.”

We are living in stressful times. Responding maturely to events occurring in your home influences the children. It is up to you to ground them in a home based on love and respect.