Discussing Death With a Child

Dear Pop, 

My mother recently passed away. My little boy was very close to her. How does one explain to a four-year-old about death?

Grieving Mom

Dear Grieving Mom,

Here’s what I suggest you do. Be honest with your toddler and encourage questions. This is a learning experience for him which he’ll never forget. Children’s capacity to understand death depends on their age. Your little boy has a literal understanding of the world around him. So just explain that Grandma’s body stopped working and the doctors were unable to fix it. He may have trouble understanding Grandma won’t be coming back. It’s therefore important for you to avoid euphemisms like she “went away” or “went to sleep.” This kind of chatter will only make your son afraid to go to sleep or fearful when his dad or you go to work in the morning.

My mother died nineteen years ago, so I understand your grief. Having to deal with the loss of a parent and then explain it to a child is tough.

When my mother died, I flew to Florida for the funeral. I would have taken my daughters with me, but it was too expensive. When I came home, I took my girls to the park and we had a memorial service, just the three of us, for Grandma. We remembered how kind she was to us and all the funny things she did. I shared my belief in an afterlife and they told me what they thought. 

Don’t worry about letting your child see you cry. Observing your honest expression of pain and loss will help your child feel more comfortable about sharing his feelings. However, don’t stay withdrawn for too long. You have a little boy depending on you to raise him.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

POP

Have a parenting question? Ask POP @ [email protected].